If Your Partner Uses Any of the Following Phrases, You May Be a Victim of Gaslighting

It’s common for people to find themselves apologising for things they don’t recall saying, thinking or feeling. Do you find yourself doing this frequently? What if your words, ideas, and feelings were accompanied by doubts about the validity of your own sanity? It is possible that you are the victim of gaslighting if you see these and other symptoms.

Psychologist Dr. Eve Kilmer, a licenced emotionally focused therapy (EFT) couples therapist based, says that when a person has an affair and their partner confronts them, “they deny reality and blame the victim,” she says.

Someone can say to their partner, “You’re insecure and madly jealous,” according to Kilmer.

Gaslighting – What Is It?

Psychologist and CSULA professor Dr. Ramani Durvasula tells Newsweek that gaslighting is “a process of emotional torture whereby a person’s reality and reality in general is rejected.”

Gaslighting involves portraying or telling the victim that they’re “mentally not healthy or not thinking properly,” according to the victim.

According to the psychologist, this cycle is repeated until the gaslighted individual “simply falls in line unquestioningly with the gaslighter” and develops feelings of self-doubt and bewilderment.

As a result, “It’s an indoctrination process that takes place over time and typically occurs when there is an experience of trust or expertise (that the gaslighter is someone trustworthy) or more powerful,” says Durvasula.

One form of gaslighting, according to the American Sociological Review, is “a type of psychological abuse intended to make victims seem or feel “crazy,” generating a “surreal” interpersonal context,” which was published in September 2019.

“Gendered stereotypes, race, nationality, and sexuality structural vulnerabilities, and institutional inequities against victims are mobilised by gaslighting abusers, according to the study,”to destroy their realities.”

Phrases that are used to deceive

Durvasula has compiled a list of typical gaslighting expressions.

  • Be a little less empathetic, please.
  • That did not happen at all.
  • You’re not thinking clearly, and you need help.
  • Why aren’t you able to laugh at yourself?
  • Why are you so enraged all the time?
  • Because you can’t seem to let go of the past.
  • It wasn’t as horrible as you’re making it out to be.
  • I don’t believe that’s what you’re experiencing.
  • Stop being so agitated, please.
  • It’s not okay for you to be upset about this.
  • In the end, it’s all up to your imagination.

You may be a victim of gaslighting if you see these indicators

Gaslighting is a gradual process, and the abusive partner’s activities may at first appear to be innocuous. Over time, however, the victim may “lose all awareness of what is truly happening” as the continued abuse causes confusion, hurt, loneliness, and fear for the victim.

Identifying the indicators of gaslighting, as Dr. Robin Stern, a psychoanalyst, explains at the hotline’s website, is critical.

  • You’re constantly doubting your abilities and abilities.
  • “Am I too sensitive?” is a question you ask yourself numerous times per day.
  • You frequently have feelings of confusion and “craziness.”
  • If you’re with a spouse, you’re constantly making excuses for yourself.
  • Since so many “seemingly nice things” exist in your life, you find it difficult to comprehend why you aren’t happier.
  • You’re prone to blaming others for your partner’s misbehaviour.
  • To avoid having to explain or make explanations, you keep facts from your friends and family.
  • Even though you are acutely aware of a grave problem, you are unable to articulate what it is.
  • You begin to fabricate stories in order to avoid your partner’s “put downs and reality twists”.
  • You have a hard time making even the most basic of judgments.
  • You’re aware that you used to be a much more confident, fun-loving, and relaxed person.
  • Hopelessness and a lack of joy are taking their toll on your mental and emotional health.
  • It’s as if nothing you do is good enough.
  • You doubt your ability to be a decent companion.

How Can a Gaslighting Victim Find Assistance?

Therapists “would never gaslight you and validate your truth,” says Durvasula, who recommends counselling.

According to the psychotherapist, you can interrupt the pattern of gaslighting by having friends or family that you can trust and who can affirm your reality. “The gaslighting loop may be broken by just one person who believes in you,” she stated.

In order to fight gaslighting, National Domestic Violence Hotline advises the following:

Keep Records of All Occurrences

Whether it’s in a notebook, a voice memo, a picture, an email, or a conversation with a trusted friend or family member, preserve a record of everything that happens. Not only can this help your own mental health, but it can also be valuable in the event that legal action against the abuser is necessary.

Establish an Emergency Plan.

Personal safety plans detail how to stay safe while in a relationship, preparing to leave, or once you’ve ended the connection. Plan includes how to deal with your emotions, tell your family and friends, and how to take legal action, among other things.

Focus on your own well-being.

You must take care of yourself, whether you’re still in a relationship or have broken up with your partner. You must also work on repairing your mental health. Acknowledging that your abusive partner is manipulating the situation by placing the blame on you is part of this process.

“The narrative is controlled by abusive partners. In order to make it appear as if you were the cause of it, they will say things like, “If you had not done this, I would not have done that.” “There is a hotline for that.

As a result of the gaslighting, you’ll have to relearn how to trust your instincts and allow yourself to believe in your own ideas, feelings, intuitions, and conclusions.


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